Say, boy - does you do this constantly?

It's 5:30pm and I'm going to sleep in about half an hour. Yep, I'm going to sleep super early because I am getting up super early and going duck hunting. Christmas Eve? Bah humbug! Awaking at midnight and driving through the dark for an hour? Yeah, so what? Freezing cold duck blind in the dark? Hey, I get to watch the sun come up from a muddy marsh! I think it's official: I've gone bonkers. All I think about lately are duck decoys, warm camo jackets, and duck call practice. Well, I also dream about surfing almost every night as it has been raining and/or flat out here in Cali for ages. I've got ducks on the brain and am going to try to hunt as much as possible in the coming weeks. San Jacinto Wildlife Area in Riverside County tomorrow and up to Kern National Wildlife Area for the weekend. Ducks on Saturday and quail on Sunday, sounds good, yeah? I'll even wear some aluminum foil on my head so the CIA can't scan my brain!

Check this out, it's funny and Peace out, bitches!

Well, you can tell Lt. Dickinson from me, he couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

Oh rainy Monday morning and two dogs! Not a particularly good way to start a week but so be it, bro. I'm watching Sibel's dog Lady for the week and she and Ghost get on like, well, Ghost and anyone else I guess. It'll be quiet for a little while and then the hounds of hell go all yappy and barky and I start looking for my gun but eventually they quiet down again. No one gets hurt but I have lost several plants and glasses in the past.

I went duck hunting on Sunday. No that's not true. I drove out to a duck hunting spot and found out that you can't shoot waterfowl on Sunday. Nice leisurely drive at 5 in the morning with a knocked out girlfriend in the front seat and we can't shoot? Awesome. I should get my own column in Field & Stream with the amount of silly shit that has happened this season. Head to head with Bill Heavey for who is the worst urban hunter on Earth. He'll beat me but not for lack of trying on my part. Anywhat, we got out there and it was drop dead gorgeous. Sun coming up on the mountain, low lying fog beginning to cook off, ducks everywhere, and you couldn't really tell you were smack dab in the middle of horrible suburban development. We set up decoys and sat in a blind and talked and called ducks and ate salami and Manchego and bread while sipping matte. I totally love Melah. She's the first woman I've ever been with who would ever dream of doing something like that. She even shot photos of me getting stuck in the mud and almost falling over. She tried to scare the birds into flying. She looked so cute in her ghilli jacket. She never ceases to amaze me.

I'm going to go out Wednesday morning. I hear it's some sort of holiday so I'm expecting the hunting pressure to be low so maybe this time I'll actually get a duck. Fuck.

Peace out, bitches!

I feel you will have to deal with this matter in the harshest possible way, Mr. Torrance.

What a week! What a fucking week! As of the last entry in this collection of bullshit and mendacity I went to Las Vegas for one night and didn't die, operated on a big budget commercial and didn't get fired, and successfully navigated a slightly drunken conversation with a very drunk agent (who might rep me one day). Be-fucking-zare!

There are no photos from Vegas as no one, myself included, was in any shape or mood to document the depravity that we both instigated and observed. Suffice it to say, booze was boozed and banned substances were consumed and transported across state lines. No firearms, explosives, or hookers were utilized but according to my sources, immediately preceding my arrival several strippers were somewhat amused. Seacrest out.

The first photo is of me reacting to the news that I was going to spend part of my operating day watching paint dry. Damn paint company commercials. The second photo is of me actually watching, and photographing, paint drying. Only in America, my friends! Only in America! The next photo is only amusing to camera assistants. I think. I dunno, it seems universally funny but what the hell do I know. Anyway, we bashed two cameras together and shot a guy talking about the glories of Sherwin Williams paint and had to take various parts of the cameras apart to get them this close. Good times.

The final photo shows me in the Oval Office. What? You thought a Creole wouldn't get there first?

Peace out, bitches!

NIce moves, Rosewood. You're some kind of cop!

Surfed all morning and loved it! Chest high waves and my 9' long board and hardly any one out. So nice, so very nice. And so very remote a memory now that we're stuck here at Panavision after-hours. Yep, camera order was called in late and has been continually changing as we're trying to prep everything. We just added a camera at 6pm because we're total idiots. No, not really, we just follow orders like good little numb-nut mullets. It's a pointless job but someones got to do it. Even Ghost is bored.

Anyway, I spent the last two days operating a camera while being paid as a first AC. Difference in day rate? About $600. A day. Yeah, I'm "production friendly" as they say. I think I'm just a sap with a tool belt and I end up agreeing to shit just so I can get through the job at hand and hopefully get the next job. I had three cameras worth of shit (that's a lot, sort of the ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag type of thing) and two cameras worth of crew. Then I got stuck operating, which is cool and shows that my boss trusts me, but that made us even more shorthanded. We ran around like lunatics and my two seconds lost their goddamn minds and started making really dumb mistakes but we somehow muddled through. I wigged out on day two because we had to loose a first AC and a second because we lost our third camera. We still didn't have enough guys so at lunch I walked into the production office and told them they were in violation of their contract with Local 600 since 1) they had me operating but were paying me as a 1st AC, 2) they had the loader working as a first while being paid as a loader (he is actually a 1st AC but was bored so took the loader job), 3) two cameras means two 1st ACs and we really only had one, and finally 4) we're on a unionized lot (Warner Bros) and would they like me to call the shop steward or would they prefer to bump my loader up to a 1st AC rate and get me a loader? My leverage was that not only would I not report them but I'd forgo my rate hike. I'm a nice boss, huh? No, I'm an idiot but at least I got my guys paid and got the manpower we needed. For my troubles I got sent up into the freezing night sky in a Condor to shoot an overhead shot that took about an hour to set up. I had to hang halfway out of the Condor to operate and then my buddy and I smoked cigarettes and tried not to fall asleep or freeze while they set up the shot. Good times. It's great being a 1st AC and afraid of heights and constantly "volunteered" to go up high. Like I said, it's a pointless job but someones got to do it or else the terrorists will win.

Headed to Vegas in the morning for some fear and loathing with my boy T-Money. He turns 40 and we're all going big and dumb in the desert. I'm bringing a Koran, a Bible, the Torah, some sayings of the Buddha, and all manner of talismans and lucky rabbits feet in an effort to ward off the bad juju I can see on the horizon. Kalima, shakti day!

Peace out, bitches!

Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...

Six shots were fired, four quail and a cottontail rabbit narrowly escaped death while one quail met his maker. Several miles both horizontal and vertical were traversed and one of the three didn't fire his weapon at all. Not bad for our first time out in several years. In the end everyone, especially the dog, had a good time even though the museum that looked like Jabba's crib was closed. Off to work for the next few days and then a 40th birthday party in Las Vegas with a crew of dangerous pirates and gadflys. No good shall come of this but the photos might be worthwhile.

Peace out, bitches!

What's the use of worrying about your beard when your head's about to be taken?

Too bad this wasn't done right away and then put out everywhere. Why anyone thinks Web delivery is actually effective is beyond me. Anyway, went hunting today and took Ani and it was hilarious. Saw a bunch of birds but it's a little tough to run down hardcore desert birds with a seven year old in tow. I'll be back on Sunday though, with some proper criminals.

Peace out, bitches!

Rrrrrrringspot! One-sa, two-sa, zig-zag-zav, poptie, gimmega, tin-lie, tav, harem, scarem, moychan, tarem, tare, tore...

So the report said it was going to be head high surf and nice conditions. The reality, the real reality of it, was overcast to the point of being nighttime and the waves were about knee high. About. Bitterly disappointed, I walked the dog and tried to decide what to do with my truncated day. The problem was/is/will be that I have a 3am call for a K-Mart commercial tomorrow so not a lot of time in the day as I need to be asleep now (it's 5:30pm). I did come up with a brilliant plan: I drove an hour out of my way to Bass Pro Shop and dicked around for awhile in the hunting department. I talked every one's ears off about duck hunting and came away with this realization: most of what I knew about duck hunting was bullshit. You totally don't need a million decoys, a boat, a dog, bags, game carriers, decoy leads, and all of the other shite I was being hawked at Bass. You really just need some good camo, patience, and a duck call. So I bought a duck call and I can't stop fucking with it. It's so fun! I had no idea that making duck sounds could be so rewarding. Not only is it loud and somewhat obnoxious, but the dog loves it and I look like a lunatic doing it. We went down to the LA River while doing laundry, that's right, Ghost and I do laundry together, and I tried talking to the resident LA dirtbag mallards and they actually responded. I just got this thing! I seriously can't wait to try it out for real on Wednesday. I think I'm going to drive down to San Jacinto and scout the duck ponds and maybe try to call some ducks and figure out if I actually need to invest sixty-some dollars in decoys and their assorted accoutrements. Damn, I ain't shot shit this season but I'm learning a ton and getting more days in the field than I have in the last couple of years. Who says you have to grow up?

Oh yeah, best thing ever: Los Hermanos Abdul-Wahid are going quail hunting this Sunday. Booyah!

Peace out, bitches!