If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!

I drove four and a half hours to the trail head at the border of the Golden Trout Wilderness in the Sequoia National Forest for nothing.

First I was eaten alive by mosquitoes. My ear has cauliflowered. Actually, a mosquito the size of a Huey took a chunk out of my ear as soon as I stepped off of the parking lot pavement and into the woods. It still hurts.

Then there was the endless stream of hikers who had been in the area for days. Smelly hikers stinking up the woods, scarring the deer hither and thither. They were nice. They told me where they had seen deer tracks which was great as now I knew where the deer weren't.

The meadow I had so painstakingly researched and Googled and studied was gorgeous. It said "Kill deer here" in giant neon letters, forty feet high if an inch, right above the tree line. The only problem? Four hundred head of cattle were currently grazing in it and the surrounding meadows, including the enticingly named Beer Keg Meadow. Net result? No deer. The ranger and his wife were sorry I had walked three miles for nothing and helpfully pointed me in the direction of another set of meadows that were "chock full of all types of wonderful wildlife." How far away, eh? Oh, a simple nine miles further along the ridge line and hey, what's nine plus three? Anyone? Anyone? Twelve, it's twelve miles. One way. I opted to run the ridges surrounding the meadow just in case there were some deaf deer hanging around. There weren't.

Next I spotted a huge coyote that I initially thought was a wolf but only because I was at about 9,000'. It was actually a very uplifting moment as I spotted him on the edge of a clearing 100 yards out. I spotted and stalked him and could have killed him at 40 yards but opted not to do so. I mean, who the fuck kills a coyote? Not a real man, just ask the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

After watching sixteen mosquitoes land on my forearms (I counted!) I decided that running uphill to the car was better than walking as it would keep me from the meat grinder of winged vampires. Winded and tired and happy I walked the last couple of yards and lo and behold, I had a flat. I had somehow rolled over the Sharpest Rock Known To Man and it had done its job quite well. Nothing is as fun as changing a tire at 9,000' when you're tired, hungry, and the sun and temperature are dropping fast. The tire got changed and the gear got stowed and I decided that instead of spending the night I was going back down hill to get the tire fixed in the morning. Good bye deer. Good bye!

I am now in a crappy "river lodge" along the Kern River watching 48 Hours. I ate some of my dehydrated camping food while sitting on the floor and thinking of the opening of Apocalypse Now. I love hunting.

Peace out, bitches!