Dear Nature;
Let me first say that I'm a huge fan, I really enjoy and appreciate what you're doing with that whole Life thing. It's terrific, kids love it, you're set financially, you know? Of course you do, I'm sorry for stating the obvious but I am a really huge fan.
On to business I guess, specifically the deer situation here in Southern California. Now, I understand you've got a lot on your plate in the Gulf of Mexico and the Plains and various and sundry watersheds that are being depleted and degraded but I really do need a moment of your time to address the deer situation. To summarize I guess I'll say this: there are too many people here in Southern California and not enough deer. Rather, there are not enough deer willing to be shot. By me.
I sat in a blind for twelve hours yesterday because there were fresh tracks and droppings and a cistern. There should have been deer. There were even acorns on the ground! Now if this wasn't you telling me, "Put a ground blind here and arrow a burger," what were you trying to tell me? Please don't pawn this off on one of your underlings, like Fate or Timing or any of those bozos (especially Luck, does he even come into the office any longer?). I think we need to have a face to face meeting and get to the heart of this problem. It's been two years since I picked up a bow and aside from accidentally shooting my dog I haven't shot a thing yet.
As an aside, maybe at a later date we can deal with the elk situation that occurred in Arizona. We'll just table that until we sort out the deer problem.
Scheduling wise I'm free until Saturday when I'm back out in you for quail. Other than that just let me know when you have some time. Deer season ends on November 7th, please keep that in mind.
Sincerely,
Captain
ps- Good luck with that off shore drilling thing. Good lord people are dumb.
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3 comments:
any answers yet?
I received this erroneously. I believe this is for you.
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Dear Captain
It's not often one of you animated pond scums have the balls to communicate with me. I've always liked that about you - a shitload of gumption. And yes, the Life Nature thing is going OK. It becomes increasingly more difficult with all the crap you people put in my way. I can deal, however, so no need to worry. And now I'm going to give you a few seconds. Please note: time is eternal for me so a few seconds are worth a lot - SO LISTEN UP, YOU TOOL!
1 - there are too many people in L.A. I agree. I've tried several things to try and rectify the situation - earthquakes, firestorms, riots. This winter I'm going to freeze the shit out of the son-of-a-bitch. I'm talking North Pole temperatures. I'm open to suggestions on this and I'll listen to yours next time you're in a deer blind letting your mind wander over everything but DEER HUNTING!
2 - this brings me to deer. There are abundant numbers of deer in the area. Several of them were above you for at least two hours as you sat in your pathetic blind. And what's up with the bow? Didn't shooting your dog give you any indication that this should be only an eccentric hobby at this point? And don't get me started on elk. I gave you two chances to bring home the meat if you had used a FUCKING RIFLE WITH A SCOPE!
Since you've proven your God given abilities with a shotgun - HAPPY QUAIL HUNTING!
N
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